How to drive someone crazy from 1100 miles away

25 February 2007

Spinning my wheels

I really enjoy that Cyn will be frustrated with the title of this post. She has been trying to get me to spin for ages, and oh, yes, it's a double entendre for her alone, because I am not about to spin, sucka!
I am very busy lately going back and forth in my head about what to do with my life. I am playing devil's advocate with Yoshi, arguing every point I see valid, whether I believe in it or not and both for and against whatever issue I am getting self-absorbed into. I really need to back the hell off of everything (the relationship, the future, the odd idea that I may be seeking [gasp!] normalcy) and relax. I have a friend at the restaurant who teaches yoga, and I think it's time to go stretch my muscles and meditate on inner truth and less on drama.
For example:
  1. Is the truth about me the ancient addiction, or the overcoming of it? Is a person really always an addict, or is it a curable disease? Therefore, is there hope for me that I will simply never go back on the blow again?
  2. Ditto infidelity. Yes, another double entendre with the word "blow". dirty girl. Ha, ha; I'm in rare form.
  3. Is it enough that Yoshi wants me bad enough to want to give me children, or is that an unreliable cicumstance to put a child into? Consider that there is absolutely no question about Yoshi's ability to commit. To me, to his children; I have no doubts about his dedication, just his motives.

I am so consumed by all this that I am not even taking it seriously anymore; I can't even take a stand and decide how I feel about him/me/us/forever. The answer to every question I ask is a smirking maybe; every friend I have says they can't make this decision for me, not realizing that I don't want to be told what to do, I just want to hash it out with some fresh eyes on it. Perspective. Action will follow, and it will be all me.

I have no problems with taking responsibility for my decisions; I do have a problem with an utter incapability to make them. I need a plan.

And I need to go to bed so I can pick up Krispy Kremes in the morning. I have a donut date with an entire service staff.

21 February 2007

Want want want

I gotta figure out what it is I want (Freud's age-old question, what DO women want?). And i realized I don't need to know everything I want right now. But at least one thing is enough, and I know what at least one thing is.
So, here's what I want:

I want to have my own kids.
I have kids by proxy right now. Cyn is preggers with her first, and there's Walter, and that is all well and good. I love them, they love me (well, the jury is still out on the unborn Judea-scamper in Cyn's belly, but oh, yes, he will love me). But I can give them back.

I want my own kids.
Yoshi does not want kids at all. What does this tell anyone about the potential of our future?
He told me he would have them if it was what I wanted. How the hell can I put that on my child? That Daddy is only Daddy because he can't live without Mommy?
So, Yoshi and I are in the breaking up process. It's only fair. I suppose I'd rather be alone with the possibility that someday I will have my own kids with a man who loves me and will love them, than be with a man who loves me so much that he will have children he never ever ever wanted.
Of course, I wonder who is going to take care of me the way he does. Yoshi is wonderful to me, and I love him so much that I have been trying for two years now to not want children. But I can't let it go, and he can't change his mind. That leaves us in a very cold place. But dammit,

I want my own kids.
I want my family. I want my home to be made up of people, not a place. I wanted him to want to be part of that the way I want it but it is simply not possible, and it's time I stopped lying to myself about it. Yes, this is the same way I lost my first husband, and yes, it still hurts that I lost him, I loved him so much. And yes, I loved Yoshi just as much and oh, so much more. But how does a girl give up on millions of years of instinct towards the survival of the species? Maternal yearning? And yes, I know losing Yoshi is going to be painful for years to come.
Not looking forward to it.
It's all still very fresh and new, like a deep scrape to the shins that isn't ready to stop bleeding; I know there is a brightness somewhere on the horizon, but I am not ready to see it, so, no, I dont want to be "cheered up". I just want to mourn another loss for a little while until I am ready to move on.

19 February 2007

Let's talk about something else.

Huh. I read back over the last two posts and they don't seem to read as darkly as I thought they might. I was feeling pretty damn dark. And it doesn't come through to me right now, when I look at my own words.
It seems I have always had to survive. Everything I have, I have struggled for. And some things I thought I had, hard-earned integrity-related things, I am finding I don't really have them. Fleeting things.
I was happy to deal with the crap that rolls around in my head and get through my life, but a kindly friend has pointed out that "functioning through each day" is simply not going to be good enough anymore. "Survive" is going to have to become "thrive" if I expect to ever be happier/less crazy/more than I am right now.
So, the question stands at the moment: What does Lisa want? Same friend asked me what my dreams were, and I could not answer. About twenty things rolled through my head, but I couldn't verbalize a damn one of them, so I slept on it, and I realized that I have been so busy running from what I don't want that I never get to stop and think about what I do want. If I am to become more than I am, what is that more to be? I was trying to convince myself that I wanted nothing, but I think I should have applied that to only the material aspects of my life (because really, I want for absolutely nothing. I am fed, clothed, sheltered, entertained; all the things one acquires with money are covered. A lack of greed is incredibly convenient, eh?). But now, I need to think about ME and what to do with myself and I have no answers.
Well, I have a few answers, but they need polish and shine. They're not ready to talk about. I know I want a few certain things, but I have put myself in a position to make them, hmm,.... currently unattainable. So until I figure out how to make them reachable, tangible, I don't want to put them out into the world.
If you run into me on the street and ask me, I might tell you. But I'm not ready to put anything here yet.

15 February 2007

Where am I?

I think I sink a little deeper every February. I wonder why? It seems last year I lost my mind in February for a little while, too, but I chalked it up to the credit problems and my car breaking down. I just can't seem to get a rhythym for the second month.
And oh, yes, I am losing my mind a little (a lot). I am questioning everything around me lately, over-analyzing the value of everything in my life, and wondering if I shouldn't just sell everything I own and move far far away. Away from everything and everyone I ever knew. Start fresh. Be someone else. Because this where and this who ain't working out so great.
I didn't have a Valentine's Day. I remember a time when I was so grateful for any reason to celebrate something, and love is something I can really get behind (natural highs, ya know). But I came home to Yoshi on Tuesday night and there were roses and donuts, and I couldn't bring myself to give a crap. I did nothing for him at all. I just let it walk by me and did not care.
OK, he loves me. And it is the kind of love that moves in with two cats and a baby, despite allergies and utter distaste for children. He puts up with all my crazy (and whoa, there is a lot of it. If you ever think you don't have a lot of crazy, try explaining yourself to someone completely unfamiliar with your particular brand of crazy. By listening to yourself objectively, you will know immediately just how crazy you are, and that they should put the sharp objects away fast without making any sudden moves.). He feeds me dinner every night and never complains about cleaning up. He's a wonderful man who doesn't deserve his girl questioning why she is bothering.
I am okay with my job, I think. I enjoy doing it well and strive not to do it badly. It's not the job.
The domestic situation could be better, but it's nothing I can't handle. Roomies are doing what they can to be bearable.
There are, admittedly, many things going on that are not for public knowledge, so I won't post about it here, but I feel they are a symptom and not the disease. For example, I am drinking again, two or three nights a week with friends from work. But like I said, not the problem, just an indicator of a greater problem.
I'm tired of being strong; I'm tired of surviving through a little more trauma; I'm tired I'm tired I'm tired. And it's not even as if I would be this strong without something propping me up (drugs, alcohol, meaningless sex, a man in my life, being a bitch). I just look back at my thirty years and wonder why any (or all) of that didn't kill me yet. Holy granola, what's it gonna take?! I feel like I've lost so much and gained so little, and eventually something will be big enough to take me down.
And right now, I just want to be taken down. I'm tired of being crazy and I'm tired of grief and I'm tired of mourning and I'm tired of feeling like a weak little girl because I don't know anyone else who feels like this. I'm tired of feeling expendable in my own life.

I don't know how to close this off. I'm just going to stop.

11 February 2007

Yeah, yeah.

I haven't been here in a while.

And I haven't really missed it. I feel like this has been a sounding board for me to complain about my life and then re-read the post I just wrote, then realize I don't want to be so negative so I delete a lot of posts. And it seems like a lot of negative lately.

This was supposed to be fun, you know. But it seems like a burden to me lately. Get out the camera, pose the yarn, take a bunch of pictures and reject a pile of them, then try to get Blogger to post them (kind of hit or miss in the past, but I haven't bothered to update to Blogger Beta or wahtever we have now). Come up with stupid captions that don't sound like I think I suck, because I don't really think I suck. I just sound like I do most days.

Maybe I am going through some mess; maybe I'm not. I don't have a lot of perspective as of late. I am knitting, when I can focus on it and enjoy it, but at least one project can't be photographed until it goes to it's intended recipient, and the rest just looks like a piece of, well... something. There's a big green rectangle of handspun from Rhinebeck, the toe of a red sock (I did teach myself a provisional crochet cast on and short row toes!) and something in a mild khaki color I can't talk about in public.

I am having fun, too. Friday, I and three of my absolute favorite girls from work went for a mini road trip to go thrift shopping and had a blast. We shopped. We told stupid stories (mine was about the true meaning of Valentine's Day and St. Valentine's high-maintenance girlfriend). We stole mayonaisse (no, really, we did). We had a great time. I bought vintage needlecraft books (I think the Roman numerals say 1975, but I may be wrong). I realized I know a lot of random facts, and do a lot of really random things (like make jam while listening to Pantera). We are going to all clean out our closets and have a swapping party, we had so much fun.

But my mind wanders all day, every day. To heavy things. To things I don't want to think about. To things I shouldn't have done and ways I shouldn't have done them. Everyone has a past (some people's pasts are only two weeks old, does anyone else realize this!?) and I won't regret mine, but I will revisit it and ponder. I will remember. Sometimes memories are all you have left, you know? And sometimes they are all you need. I am thankful for the times they are all I want.

I wonder if this is one of those times.

I realize that anyone who doesn't know me will find all this rather vague, but that's intentional. Or at least dismissable to me. I haven't posted here, and I am not apologizing for it. I haven't even made it to my knitting circle for the past two weeks, and I am not apologizing there because they are nice people who realize sometimes Lisa's a busy girl, so you can all come to that realization, as well. I know you understand. You're cool like that.

I'll be here when I can.