How to drive someone crazy from 1100 miles away

25 February 2007

Spinning my wheels

I really enjoy that Cyn will be frustrated with the title of this post. She has been trying to get me to spin for ages, and oh, yes, it's a double entendre for her alone, because I am not about to spin, sucka!
I am very busy lately going back and forth in my head about what to do with my life. I am playing devil's advocate with Yoshi, arguing every point I see valid, whether I believe in it or not and both for and against whatever issue I am getting self-absorbed into. I really need to back the hell off of everything (the relationship, the future, the odd idea that I may be seeking [gasp!] normalcy) and relax. I have a friend at the restaurant who teaches yoga, and I think it's time to go stretch my muscles and meditate on inner truth and less on drama.
For example:
  1. Is the truth about me the ancient addiction, or the overcoming of it? Is a person really always an addict, or is it a curable disease? Therefore, is there hope for me that I will simply never go back on the blow again?
  2. Ditto infidelity. Yes, another double entendre with the word "blow". dirty girl. Ha, ha; I'm in rare form.
  3. Is it enough that Yoshi wants me bad enough to want to give me children, or is that an unreliable cicumstance to put a child into? Consider that there is absolutely no question about Yoshi's ability to commit. To me, to his children; I have no doubts about his dedication, just his motives.

I am so consumed by all this that I am not even taking it seriously anymore; I can't even take a stand and decide how I feel about him/me/us/forever. The answer to every question I ask is a smirking maybe; every friend I have says they can't make this decision for me, not realizing that I don't want to be told what to do, I just want to hash it out with some fresh eyes on it. Perspective. Action will follow, and it will be all me.

I have no problems with taking responsibility for my decisions; I do have a problem with an utter incapability to make them. I need a plan.

And I need to go to bed so I can pick up Krispy Kremes in the morning. I have a donut date with an entire service staff.


Blogger Dee said...

MMMMMM ... maybe I can convince him that doughnuts are a good dinner. LOL

Looking forward to seeing you soon. The new cafe is open and it's nice.

11:12 PM


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