How to drive someone crazy from 1100 miles away

21 February 2007

Want want want

I gotta figure out what it is I want (Freud's age-old question, what DO women want?). And i realized I don't need to know everything I want right now. But at least one thing is enough, and I know what at least one thing is.
So, here's what I want:

I want to have my own kids.
I have kids by proxy right now. Cyn is preggers with her first, and there's Walter, and that is all well and good. I love them, they love me (well, the jury is still out on the unborn Judea-scamper in Cyn's belly, but oh, yes, he will love me). But I can give them back.

I want my own kids.
Yoshi does not want kids at all. What does this tell anyone about the potential of our future?
He told me he would have them if it was what I wanted. How the hell can I put that on my child? That Daddy is only Daddy because he can't live without Mommy?
So, Yoshi and I are in the breaking up process. It's only fair. I suppose I'd rather be alone with the possibility that someday I will have my own kids with a man who loves me and will love them, than be with a man who loves me so much that he will have children he never ever ever wanted.
Of course, I wonder who is going to take care of me the way he does. Yoshi is wonderful to me, and I love him so much that I have been trying for two years now to not want children. But I can't let it go, and he can't change his mind. That leaves us in a very cold place. But dammit,

I want my own kids.
I want my family. I want my home to be made up of people, not a place. I wanted him to want to be part of that the way I want it but it is simply not possible, and it's time I stopped lying to myself about it. Yes, this is the same way I lost my first husband, and yes, it still hurts that I lost him, I loved him so much. And yes, I loved Yoshi just as much and oh, so much more. But how does a girl give up on millions of years of instinct towards the survival of the species? Maternal yearning? And yes, I know losing Yoshi is going to be painful for years to come.
Not looking forward to it.
It's all still very fresh and new, like a deep scrape to the shins that isn't ready to stop bleeding; I know there is a brightness somewhere on the horizon, but I am not ready to see it, so, no, I dont want to be "cheered up". I just want to mourn another loss for a little while until I am ready to move on.


Blogger CygKnit said...

You are very very brave. I'm going to call you now.

6:50 PM

Blogger Dee said...

I wish for you all the things that you wish for yourself.

I know a hug won't set it all to right, but {{{{Hug}}}}anyway because, basically, it's the only thing I can do. I have no good advice, or wisdom of the ages. I only have a virtual hug.

Hope when you are feeling up to it you'll head on up to Oviedo and visit us. We miss you.

11:27 PM


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