How to drive someone crazy from 1100 miles away

19 February 2007

Let's talk about something else.

Huh. I read back over the last two posts and they don't seem to read as darkly as I thought they might. I was feeling pretty damn dark. And it doesn't come through to me right now, when I look at my own words.
It seems I have always had to survive. Everything I have, I have struggled for. And some things I thought I had, hard-earned integrity-related things, I am finding I don't really have them. Fleeting things.
I was happy to deal with the crap that rolls around in my head and get through my life, but a kindly friend has pointed out that "functioning through each day" is simply not going to be good enough anymore. "Survive" is going to have to become "thrive" if I expect to ever be happier/less crazy/more than I am right now.
So, the question stands at the moment: What does Lisa want? Same friend asked me what my dreams were, and I could not answer. About twenty things rolled through my head, but I couldn't verbalize a damn one of them, so I slept on it, and I realized that I have been so busy running from what I don't want that I never get to stop and think about what I do want. If I am to become more than I am, what is that more to be? I was trying to convince myself that I wanted nothing, but I think I should have applied that to only the material aspects of my life (because really, I want for absolutely nothing. I am fed, clothed, sheltered, entertained; all the things one acquires with money are covered. A lack of greed is incredibly convenient, eh?). But now, I need to think about ME and what to do with myself and I have no answers.
Well, I have a few answers, but they need polish and shine. They're not ready to talk about. I know I want a few certain things, but I have put myself in a position to make them, hmm,.... currently unattainable. So until I figure out how to make them reachable, tangible, I don't want to put them out into the world.
If you run into me on the street and ask me, I might tell you. But I'm not ready to put anything here yet.


Blogger CygKnit said...

I am so happy to read this. I've been sitting over here holding my breath because I knew you needed to see these things, but I knew I couldn't do it (it would sound too much like I was fussing at you, which you SO do not need).

I have much faith in you, I always have. Let me know how I can help.

11:14 AM


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