How to drive someone crazy from 1100 miles away

26 June 2006

Be warned

I have received a request to post a bit of Vicodin induced haze. I am not sure this is a great idea, but here goes.

I had the surgery/biopsy on Thursday past, and was given a prescription for Vicodin. Now, it didn't even occur to me until the night before (when my mother mentioned it) that I would get a painkiller. I haven't yet determined if this was a good thing or not that I didn't realize it.

With some reluctance I took one Thursday night, after I had spent the day sleeping of the anesthetic. I was worried. I had taken painkillers before for fun, but what would it be like "for real"? Would my past experience come back and haunt me? Would I suddenly become that (crazy fucked up) person again? Worse, would I not enjoy the feeling?

For the past few months, I have been thinking a lot about identity. Partly because of hearing from ignatz42 again, and partly because it finally dawned on me that I have the life I wanted for years--and I didn't realize it. I doesn't even sound real when I describe it; Dragon says its something from a guided meditation. "Imagine yourself outside a small cottage in New England. There is a pond in front of you, where swans swim all day. You're sitting in the shade, knitting, with your drop spindle and raw wool nearby." I see her point.

The words are not coming out how I want them to, here, even after two cups of coffee. I'm not sure why popping a few Vicodin, even just for legitimate pain relief after a tender-spot surgery would make me think that I would relive the worst year of my life (2000) and suddenly become an erratic, pleasure seeking, self-destructive slave to altered states (or any state not the standard one).

I don't know. I just had to write it down somewhere.

Hmmm. The fear of recurring addiction. I'd have more to say about that if I didn't think it was possible that my parents were looking...
You do have legitimate pain, so a painkiller is the prescribed answer. If you are really bothered by this, maybe you talk to your doctor about non-habit-forming meds? Not that at this late date it is going to make a big difference, but in the event that you ever need such medication again? That is my advice.
And you aren't exactly the guy from A Mllion Little Pieces, you know. You can be bigger than this. Stronger. You lived with me for a while, I know you have inner strength.
~ Dragon

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